i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize