Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
