He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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