you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
