Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
