4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
