the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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