What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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