i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
