I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
