please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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