i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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