Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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