Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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