hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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