I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
