Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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