i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
