I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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