I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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