i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
my poor anus
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
