So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
