This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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