I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
