I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
