Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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