i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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