i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
