If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
