Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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