last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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