Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
