so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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