This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
