soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
