you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
