How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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