If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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