I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
