Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
