I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
