Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
