so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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