just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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