I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
