Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
