Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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