Who did Billy Mays play for?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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