I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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