Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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