I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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