Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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