Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
