I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
