I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
