Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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