Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
