Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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