Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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