she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize