and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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