just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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