Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
