evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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